His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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