after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
