Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I lost the right to judge tonight
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
