Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
