As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
