chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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