Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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