very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
