I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
jump out the window naked night went bad
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