yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
