Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
