I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
