You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
