So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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