based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
