Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
