Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
