Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
