I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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