Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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