Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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