Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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