I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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