the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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