I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
