Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm too high and old for this...
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How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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