Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
