When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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