I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
