just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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