New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
