Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I stole a fireplace last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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