At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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