Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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