Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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