and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
