I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
