Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
