i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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