I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
