I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
