We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
