You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
