Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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