your parents love me but you hate me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
