Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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