You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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