so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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