i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
