how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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