You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
