Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
