if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize