So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
