I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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