i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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