Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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