She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
