all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind