EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
