Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!