WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth