Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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