You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
